My dear iPhone,

I’m sorry to have you disfigured under my lousy butter fingers. You have survived a toilet bowl swim (at Loti’s house just before I peed, so it’s clean in case you’re wondering), a coffee dip, infinite falls; and for you to land in such a sorry state today and still be functioning, I am very proud of you. Will send ya in for repair soon.. er, or I might adventurously rip you apart and change your face by myself (‘cos I’m cheapo like that).

Your horrible owner.