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Tag: Emo Nemo (page 1 of 2)

The End of Life

People always look forward to the end of everything. The end of a working day, the end of a working week, the end of a project, the end of the year. But as we wish for time to move faster to the end of all these, we are also indirectly looking forward to the end of life.

Actually, I kinda look forward to the end of life in some way. (I’m not committing suicide don’t worry.) It’s just that I’ve always wondered about death in the most curious way. What would it feel like? Will it be just dark nothingness or will your soul leave your body and an afterlife continues? I choose to believe the latter.

They always say things like treasure every single day, live life to the fullest, etc, but the truth is – there will never be a better time to die. We all will have unfinished business regardless of our age; we all can never say our goodbyes soon enough; we all can never appreciate our loved ones enough; we all will have our regrets.

I know I am someone who constantly tries to save stuffs for the future or good days. Like I am thrifty because I wish to enjoy more in my older years; like I hold off giving a gift to someone until there’s an occasion; like I keep wanting to write this post but I don’t get to it. Hahaha nay that’s just pure procrastination, but you get the drift.

When I die, don’t be sad for me because I believe it’s not the end of life, it’s the beginning of an adventure. Whether it’s having my tongue cut off, burning in hell, or having the ability to pass through walls and coming back to haunt you, I still look forward to it.

People who will be at my funeral (and not play mahjong), I love you.

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All Within An Hour+

Inspired by ‘The Wolf of Wall Street,’ tempted by a friend, and overruled by greed; I traded my first penny stocks today.

Bought at 0.04 and sold at 0.041, I thought I made a quick turnover of $300 less some handling fees (can’t be that much right?), say $200 within an hour+. For those who know can go calculate how much I pumped in. I went out for lunch happy. So naive. However, when close to end day, I saw the status of ‘BUY’ was ‘F’ (‘Filled’ which means confirmed) while the status of ‘SELL’ was ‘E’ (which is ‘Expired’). WTF? I panicked and called in, and they told me it happens. Something something over limit then cannot enter or some shit. I must have sounded like noob when I enquired, and well, I AM.

Blame it on my stupidity.
Blame it on my rashness.
Blame it on my lack of research.

Every cent and dollar was earned painstakingly and saved prudently over the years. It was never given (okay except for ang baos?). And it’s not like I’ve never been warned. SIGH. JUST. PLAIN. RETARDED. Tomorrow will determine the life and death as it is the deadline for the company to meet the requirements to be removed from the Watch-List. I don’t even know what the hell that meant and I just plunged it blindly. Also, I found out that even at the price I thought I sold wasn’t enough to cover the handling fees. I need another 0.001 boost to earn a profit.

Ranted on the phone to Loti on the long bus ride home and came home to a dark empty house. My heart sank further. Guessed that family had left for movie watching which they didn’t invite ‘cos I showed slight disinterest yesterday (but I could really use that today). Five minutes later, dad returned and handed me something, “Mummy bought you a cup. She say you like one.” Surprised, I ripped it apart.

It was a random cup that I casually mentioned was cute while passing by a shop yesterday. But I had no thoughts of buying it and didn’t expect mum to buy either ‘cos confirm bo hua. Haha but thanks to her, my mood literally got lifted up. It was then that I realised that whatever on paper is not important; it’s all these little acts of love by your loved ones that really matters.

In life, you win some and lose some. I can only hope for the best tmr and if anything, this will well serve as a fucking huge lesson.

没有钱就别玩有钱人的把戏啦!

Update:

I got my numbers wrong again. The fees really aren’t THAT much and I’d have earned a profit if sold at my initial price hahaha. Anyways, it’s over now and I made about $300+, slightly more than intended. But for the kind of risk, headache, insomnia, stress, heart attack, disorientation, I think it’s not worth it. Until I have better knowledge and too much free time (to monitor), I hope I’ll be staying clear.

Everything is a Blessing

Every word I type here is a blessing.

Every breath and blink I make is a blessing.

Every mouthful of food and water I consume is a blessing.

Every one around me talking, nagging, complaining, gossiping is a blessing.

Every sense of sight, sound, smell, touch is a blessing.

Every reason I’m alive is a blessing.

Yup, I’ve just escaped death again. A tyre puncture followed by a few seconds of hesitation plus a suspected slight bump from the car behind sent me sliding across PIE roads. Worst of all, I had Loti with me. However, him being very clear and protective, wrapped his arms around me and tanked most of the fall. The skin from his arm came off. Blood oozed, flesh revealed. My heart wrenched. The asshole behind pulled over and asked me about the compensation of his front bumper. How the hell could I hit him from the front? No time for that. Front car offered to send us to clinic. We hopped on. No police no ambulance were activated. Completely screwed up the procedures. Clinic took forever to open, and despite pleas for priority to the recep and other patients, we were still placed as #4. Humanity is so dead.

I let the asshole go. He initially insisted me to pay. LIKE HELLO. Who’s gonna pay for our skin and flesh? I could sue him real hard if I wanted, but didn’t. Ended up I had to pay for my own medical fees and bike repairs etc. But I keep telling myself it’s alright.

Being able to fall down and get up is a blessing.

Learning a painful lesson is a blessing.

Knowing Loti’s love for me is a big big blessing. It’s beyond what words can describe.

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Could Have Been Worse

Wet road from morning rain; CTE; usual traffic jam; second lane; 70km/h; stupid car cut in front of me suddenly; jammed brakes; skidded for the first time; mind went blank; landed sideways on the ground; bike on me; car behind me stopped; driver checked if I was okay; honks; fucked up car in front ran off; pain; blood; bruises; hole in shirt.

Last night I was just having my anniversary dinner eating yummy sashimi and all. Today I escaped death.

Everything ran through my mind for the split second the “accident” occurred. My family, boyfriend, friends, my future, unfinished things. I closed my eyes and embraced myself for what was going to happen next – a hit, a fly, a blackout, I don’t know. But I thank my lucky stars that when I opened my eyes it was still the road scene. It could have been worse. It could have. I could have not be able to write this post now.

But as a matter of fact, I am writing this post to kill time awaiting the visitation of Loti that is taking forever. I was almost gone, but apparently his exam notes are more important. Though I’m physically considered ok, the after shock is still pretty bad. I hate it when I get emotiontally needy and I hate it when I have to go through shit times as if I don’t have a boyfriend.

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4 Years+ Worth of Rubbish

I finally hardened up my heart and got rid of THAT box. Threw everything away and the only regret I had was the amount of time and effort I’ve spent on it.

Not only did I keep every single piece of movie ticket and restaurant receipt, I retraced every single word with a ballpoint pen just so that the ink won’t fade. For four and a half years I did that behind his back. So what? What is the point?

Current boyfriend said I don’t look like the sentimental sort. Yeah, ‘cos I won’t do such lame stuffs anymore. We freaking tore up our first movie ticket together. LOL cool shit.

Somehow, I think I’ve changed. I can never give my 100% anymore. Perhaps it’s unfair but time will tell.

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Why Cheaters Don’t Deserve to Be Forgiven

1. He didn’t love you enough.

In this post I will refer to classic examples of cheaters as “he”. Get used to it. I was cheated on by a guy, of COURSE I’m biased in thinking that most men think with their dicks. I’m speaking from first-hand experience.

How should I put this???

If your boyfriend / husband managed to ignore all his morals (if any) and whatever relationship values he had with you and shove his filthy wart-filled penis into another slut’s punani, then he DEFINITELY DIDN’T LOVE YOU ENOUGH.

No self-respecting guy who treasures his girl would ever consider doing that to her, even if the passion has dulled and the relationship is a bore. The least a decent guy could do is to tell the girl it’s not working out, end the relationship in truce, then he is free to go shag himself silly after that, nobody will really care. (Although everyone will think you’re an asshole.)

But when your cheating boyfriend comes and begs you to forgive him because he didn’t mean it and that he is sooooo sorry..

DON’T BELIEVE HIM.

Especially if it’s not the first time – he’s not sorry as sorry for cheating as he is for being caught.

Look, cheating is not an involuntary physical condition. It’s a choice, and one that he MADE. At the expense of your trust and emotions.

Trust someone like that? No way.

I won’t lie, I’ve found myself close-ish to cheating situations before, when I was facing very rocky times with my ex, I met nice and cute guys who offered a shoulder for me to cry on and there was once my lips were inches away from this very attractive guy’s. (Yes cheating does not only consist of having sex. Emotions and things like kisses count too.)

But you know what?

I didn’t kiss one of the cutest guys I’ve ever gone out with. I THOUGHT about doing it, but 2 seconds after realizing how close I am to doing what I’m thinking about doing, the thought of it sickened me to the core and I found myself abruptly getting up to leave, before things got really ugly and messy, much to Mr. Cute Guy’s disappointment.

I can safely tell you that in EVERY cheater’s mind, there will come a time where their conscience has a face off with temptation.

And it goes a little like this:

Temptation: Man that chick is looking mighty fine with her tits hangin’ out for me to gawk at and all yo!

Conscience: What? How can you say that? You have a girlfriend.

Temptation: But my girlfriend ain’t fineeee like that yo!!!

Conscience: Ew gross. What kind of a slut tries to seduce another chick’s boyfriend like that? Grow up and go home to your girl. You’re better than that.

Temptation: DUDE SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN I’M TRYING TO FEEL UP SOME TITTIES HERE!!!

….

Ok actually that was kinda optimistic.

More like it would’ve been:

Conscience: Dude you have a girlfriend waiting for you at home you know.

Temptation: Yeah but have you seen those gorgeous tits, man?

END OF CONVERSATION.

The point I’m trying to get at is – it’s not entirely true when he says he only did it “because he wasn’t thinking”. Unless he is seriously retarded or in a coma, everyone’s brains are functionally working every second of the day.

Perhaps he wasn’t thinking STRAIGHT (obviously), he was definitely THINKING alright, because he consciously and readily made the decision of hurting your feelings in order to gain temporary relief and satisfaction.

He made a little mental evaluation in his head that sex with some hoe would bring him more gratification than his relationship with you. He made the decision that…. your feelings were irrelevant, and that his sexual desires are of much greater importance.

Before you rush into his arms again and think about forgiving him, think about how this fact makes you feel.


2. He says he will never do it again.

Remember when he last said that a year ago?

No? He’s never cheated on you before?

Well, do you remember when he said he would LOVE you?

Does cheating on you seem like good lovin’ to you? (Refer to point 1.)

That’s right. The answer is no.

I’m not saying your cheating ex didn’t love you honey, I just said he didn’t love you ENOUGH. What constitutes good, proper loving? I am in no position to tell you what your relationship needs, since everyone thinks of love in different ways. But as a well-grounded girl who’s been in both healthy and unhealthy relationships, I can sure as hell say you don’t need a lying horny selfish manipulative bastard in your life.

I remember when I was crying my eyes out in my mum’s room asking her for advice, one lonely night 3 years ago. Nothing new, the same old “OMG HE LIED OMG WHAT SHOULD I DO?!”

She had a sad look in her eye when she said “Leopards never change their spots.”

In other words, liars are manipulative blood suckers who feed off causing other people pain and the thrill of deceiving others successfully. Some people are just born this way.

Some people are born without legs, arms, sight, hearing, and some people are just born without the ability to love someone else wholeheartedly.

As hard as it is to fathom…. it’s a cold hard fact.

If he can hurt you once, he can hurt you again. Nobody can tell you whether he truly WILL do it again or not, but let’s just be safe and bet on the fact that he bloody will and save yourself some heartbreak, will ya?

Do you really wanna even risk going through all that emotional and physical pain again? When the person you love so much tears you apart and stomps on the shattered pieces of your fragile heart, the pain becomes physical.

Your chest feels so tight from the tugging pain in your heart (yes it really feels like someone is tugging on my heart strings and gripping my heart so very tightly in their hands), you can hardly think normally from the endless hours of crying and your eyes can’t even open properly because they’re swelled up from all the tears and even breathing seems like a chore.

I hate how men say, “But baby, it didn’t mean anything, I swear!”

Well guess what asshole?!? IT MEANT SOMETHING TO ME.

A whole freakin lot, in fact. It hurt my feelings, cut me deep and erased whatever trust I ever had for you, does that mean ANYTHING to you at all? Can it not be about YOU and your penis or your non existent feelings for once?

It doesn’t matter if it was only JUST that one time to you.

Cuz one time – that’s all it takes for the image and knowledge of it occuring to haunt me for the rest of my life. Enough to make me cry a river of tears and feel worthless, thanks to you. So “one time” isn’t a small deal to me like it is to you.

It was never about the physical activity you had going on with her.

It was always about the fact that you chose her, over me, your girlfriend, the one you supposedly “love”.

Of course, it’s not easy to let go, and talk is cheap. I know. I was stuck in that situation for more than 2 years, cursing myself everyday for allowing myself to prolong the pain. But no pain, no gain.

And through this experience I’ve definitely gained some insight and first hand experience on how to deal with lying assholes.

I have also realized that it wasn’t entirely his fault that the lies went on for so long. I should have stopped this one way train to self-destruction dead in its tracks when I had the chance the very first time I found out.

But no, like the world’s biggest sucker I happily lapped up all his lies and whatever bullshit he chose to feed me with and in return, LIED to myself that HE wasn’t lying.

Does that even make any sense???

I thought…. well, it’s been a facade this whole time, so what if I continue living in this facade for a little whole longer? Couldn’t hurt.

But everyone snaps out of self-denial eventually and the pain will hurt you harder than ever, because in the end you have nobody to blame but yourself. Which brings me to my next point.


3. It’s NOT your fault, and you CAN’T fix him.

Whenever people ask, “Why are you still with him?” I give them a forced feeble smile but no answer. I utter a weak “things are better now….” and in my head it continues, “But it’s only a matter of time before things turn to shit again.”

Self-denial is dangerous. Sometimes you lose track of what’s happening in REALITY and what’s being faked in your idealistic word.

I think, somewhere along the lines of being lied to a million times, I lost myself. I lost the anger, the strive to want to lead a better life and I ended up being submissive. Instead of blaming him, I started blaming myself.

….”What’s wrong with me?! I’ve loved him unconditionally and tried to be the best girlfriend I can be, why does he still not love me?

Am I not pretty enough? Does my personality suck? Am I boring, why would he fall for some other chick? Am I just NOT GOOD ENOUGH???

What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!!!!!”

And that is, in all honesty, the worst feeling you can get from being cheated on. When the pain settles in, when you resign to your miserable fate and instead of asking yourself, “Why am I with this douchebag?” you ask….

“What’s wrong with me?”

I spent ALL my remaining time blaming myself, and trying to fix him. Even though I never really told anyone I blamed myself, I did. Beneath that anger was a deep sadness I could never bring myself to express fully.

I tried to fix him…. I tried really, really hard. Tried to fix him so much that in return, I was broken. It was no longer a surprise whenever he lied. It was just like, “It’s okay, if I keep loving him unconditionally, he will love me back someday.”

It was almost as if it was a test to prove myself right. Like, HEY, don’t worry, some day he will think you’re worth something. You just gotta wait for the right moment. It wasn’t even about him anymore.

It was about ME, and my need to make things better. My obsessive need to make sure everything was under control. That I had the ability to make things all right again.

Needless to say, the moment never came. He wasn’t Mr. Right, and in fact he wasn’t even Mr. Right Now.

If I was so smitten, why did I dump him cold-heartedly in the end? Well I can’t really tell you exactly why, all I know is, one day I woke up going, “FUCK THIS SHIT. I’ve had enough.”

“It’s not my fucking fault if this boy does not see a good girl dangling right before his eyes and chooses the whores instead. Tired of teaching him how to love, tired of teaching him how to be an honest, good person. I’m tired of mothering him, and I miss loving myself. I miss putting MYSELF before someone else. I miss me.”

Forget about the good times we had and what we used to share. I want to look forward to the FUTURE, not back on the past, and even though I’m not sure what is in store for me out there, it’ll be brighter than whatever we have now.

Contrary to what most other people believe, relationships are not just about the good times. Life isn’t a sky full of rainbows, sooner or later you’re going to experience worse days, then what? I can have a good time with ANYONE, even with the guy down the street, but does that mean I want to be his girlfriend? Everyone’s nice when the situation is in their favour.

Judge a person not based on their good days, but on their off days. See if you still like that person when their mask comes off and they reveal who they truly are deep down inside.

What makes a relationship solid is when shit hits the fan, can you count on the other person to get your back?

If you can’t…. bail.

Now, while you still can.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.


4. And my final point?

Even if you think you can forgive him, chances are, one day your fascination with him is going to fade and you’re going to wonder what the fuck you’re doing with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

When you look at his face, you won’t see the boy you knew when you first fell in love with him anymore.

All you’ll see is the face of a liar.

When you kiss him, you don’t enjoy the intimacy. Instead you feel grossed out because you can TASTE the nasty residue of that hoe whom he got down and dirty with, behind your back.

When he hugs you, you think of the same hands caressing someone else not so long ago and you feel FILTHY from head to toe.

When you look into his eyes, instead of seeing faith, warmth and trust, all you see is a black hole of emptiness. A reminder of what could’ve been… but never really was.

Every time he says he’s going somewhere with someone, you scrutinize his facial expressions to try and see if he’s telling you a lie. When he says, “I love you baby”, you go “Yeah bloody right” in your head. Whenever he does something else wrong, it somehow always leads back to the time he lied to you and broke your heart.

Things can never be the same again. Time can cover up wounds but it will not change facts or erase memories.

Perhaps you can somehow bring yourself to forgive…. but you will never, EVER forget.

Don’t punish yourself for the mistake he did. It’s just not worth it. Love does not mean blindly caring for him unconditionally, if you’re absolutely miserable in the relationship you’re in at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to stand up for yourself and pursue your own happiness for once….

DO IT.

If you were looking for an answer, I hope you have it now.

What can I say? Other than “I AGREE” with this awesome post written by Shiberty, I can only say “I COULDN’T MUTHAFUCKINGLY ABSOLUTELY TRULY AGREE MORE.”

Cheaters always amaze me. They can say oh-so-touching words and swear upon their hearts and kidneys just to get you back (after being caught), but what is REALLY on their mind?

This coming Sat will be our fifth fucking year anniversary IF we are still together. Haha I don’t know why am I still so hung up over it but screw it la. I’ve never regretted a day ever since I’ve decided to let our relationship go, and now I’m just left with the getting over part, which I think I’m halfway through already.

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不值得

原本以为就算到了最后要是真的无法在一起, 至少可以画上一个完美的句号。

但,就连分手后的你还有本事令我伤心、 失望。 一段四年半的感情, 你说忘就忘, 一走就无影无踪。 我还在原地踏步是为什么? 我又还在盼望着什么? 朋友们对你的改变都感到很惊讶, 可能这就是你所谓的 “今日不如往事” 吧。 我怀念的你, 早在两年前消失了。 现在的你, 已是另一个人了。

再也没有什么好留念了。 我会很努力很努力彻彻底底地死了这条心, 像你一样不会回头。 但我一点也不可怜, 我一定会过得更好。 谢谢你让我学会怎么去看清一个人。 你不需要祝福我, 因为我也不可能会祝福你。

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What Irony, But This Happens All the Time

I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even thought you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.

– Author unknown

What good if I don’t have feelings any more.

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Pencil and Eraser

Pencil: I’m sorry.

Eraser: For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.

Pencil: I’m sorry because you get hurt because of me. Whenever I made a mistake, you’re always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller each time.

Eraser: That’s true. But I don’t really mind. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though one day, I know I’ll be gone and you’ll replace me with a new one, I’m actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad.


I found this conversation between the pencil and the eraser very inspirational. Parents are like the eraser whereas their children are the pencil. They’re always there for their children, cleaning up their mistakes. Sometimes along the way, they get hurt, and become smaller / older, and eventually pass on. Though their children will eventually find someone new (spouse), but parents are still happy with what they do for their children, and will always hate seeing their precious ones worrying, or sad.

All my life, I’ve been the pencil. And it pains me to see the eraser that is my parents getting smaller and smaller each day. For I know that one day, all that I’m left with would be eraser shavings and memories of what I used to have.

This is to all the parents out there.

I got so emo when I saw this. My mum knew that I wasn’t in a good mood after overhearing my phone conversation last night, and this morning she sent me a text to brighten up day. A small little gesture like this just means so much. Thanks mummy :’)

The only love that is unconditional comes from your parents. The rest are all bullshit.

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To Err is Human;

To forgive, divine?

Today is the third day but it already seems like a month. Everything still feels so unbelievable.

But I know I’m not alone. I appreciate all the concern from everyone; be it the company, a phone call, a text, or even a fb / twitter message. Thanks for the listening ear, the stand ups, the comforts, the advises, the enlightenments. Thanks for feeling me.

At the end of the day, the final decision lies in me. No one else knows you or our relationship more than I do. Is it worthy to take on another gamble of faith?

Learning things the hard way is never easy. I would still want to believe that everything happens for a reason. If this is meant to be a wake up call, time and effort will prove it.

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