Why do men always try to come up with cheesy pickup lines? Can you teach them a few better ones?

Our parents taught us many things, bless their kind hearts. One thing they never taught us though is how to attract the gorgeous lady in the red dress sitting down at the bar downing that Cosmopolitan.

So, most of us stumble through life trying all this dodgy pick-up lines we get from self-help books and movies. Stuff like “Is your father a baker? ‘Cos you have nice buns.” Sadly for us, these pick-up lines have been perpetuated ad nauseum in said books and movies because everyone’s reading the same damn thing.

Plus, we always thought that women appreciated humour in a guy since according to survey results, humour is the no. 1 attractive trait in a guy (which I think is a big fat lie, Moses Lim never got anyone).

So we try all these funny pick-up lines. The problem is that everyone is using the same lines. And it all falls flat on our face.

The best pick up line is to be original. Something that no one has ever used before.
“Besides looking so gorgeous, what do you do for a living?”
“Can you buy me a drink?”
“So I was wondering. Are we going to start talking or are going to continue flirting from a distance?”

Can men fake orgasms?

Unlike women, it’s pretty hard for a man to fake orgasm.

Man: Oh yeah baby I’m coming.
(Pause)
Woman: So where’s the cum?
Man: It retreated back into its shell.

Suffice to say, if there’s the white stuff, it’s the original stuff.

Why can’t men cuddle more?

During the era of the cavemen, sex was like a hit and run thing. We never knew when the lion would spring up and attack us. So after spreading our seed, we had to be on our guard and had no time for all this cuddling stuff. What if the monkeys decided to launch an attack on our cave? So, we had to be ever-ready.

And being ever-ready meant cuddling for the bare minimum amount of time.

I think I say for all men that it’s not that we don’t want to cuddle, it’s just that after the deed is done, there’s this period of introspection for us where we want to pat ourselves on the head and go, “That’s right. You’re the man.”

Plus our body is really sensitive after that. Really.

Why do men cheat?

Because we can. Sad, but true.

Plus there was some kind of scientific study that showed it’s not in our genes to remain monogamous. We had to bear as many children as we can because we didn’t know which child would survive till adulthood. Or something like that.

Men don’t set out to cheat though. When we really, truly love someone, the amazing depths that we would go for that person is astounding.

Also, the fact that another woman actually finds us attractive is quite a boost to our ego.

However, those serial cheaters in my opinion are just douchebags. Yet, what puzzles me is that women always encourages that behaviour. They perpetually go back to the same cycle and keep complaining about it to their friends when the guy cheats on her. A leopard never changes its spots. Stop going for bad boys. Go for guys who look like bad boys but are total sweethearts inside.

Is it possible for a man and a woman to have a purely platonic relationship?

Nay. A good friend once told me the only reason that a man and woman who are good friends but don’t fancy each other or are not together is because there is something about the other person they don’t like or fancy.

It could be because the man is obnoxious or the woman is smelly or the man is fat or the woman is ugly. It ranges from the emotional to the physical.

I find it downright impossible to be honest. There will definitely be sparks, even if it’s one-sided. It’s just whether they want to reveal it or not.

Which is better – Bush, a landing strip or all gone?

The only people who like bushes are… You know, I can’t think of anyone. I think even the Kung Bushmen prefer their women to maintain some sort of decency down there.

All gone is for men who are actually closet paedophiles. The real man prefers their women to have some hair down there, perhaps shaved to a small triangle or neatly trimmed so that it doesn’t poke into our noses and cheeks when we go down.

The more important thing is whether it smells. Yes, the smell. If it smells, we can smell it the moment the pants are off and it’s a real big turn off.

What are men REALLY thinking of all the time?

“Hmm I wonder whether anyone will notice if I let out a small fart.”

What is the question men hate most?

“Why do you love / like me?”

It’s hard for us to express what we feel into words. That’s why we grunt a lot or try to avoid the question. It doesn’t mean we don’t love or like you any less.

In fact, we love everything about you. Your laugh, the way you flick your hair back, the way your eye scrunches up when you’re reading the newspaper, the way you separate the eggs from the rest of the meal because you’re saving it for us.

We express our love in different ways. Breakfast in bed, holding the door for you, making sure you’re home safe. Just don’t ask us why.